Leadership Empathy: Do you accept and not understand OR do you actually understand and not accept?

I was sitting in LAX during a four hour layover. My autistic brain immediately sought a cozy space where I could minimize the amount of stimulus around me. I found a lovely dimly lit corner at PF Chang's with a small table and two padded chairs in a warm dark chocolate color. The best part was the noise cover provided by the screen and there were no other people! As I removed my ear plugs and began to intentionally set out my things, a couple sat down next to me. 

The man happily began a loud conversation on speaker phone with his family in Texas. I remained hoping that the phone conversation would be short and I could enjoy my sensory safe haven. Within five minutes the man had grossly oversimplified stereotypes into racist comments by comparing cheap Mexican mystery meat in “tack-o’s” to cat and dog meat consumed by Chinese people. Fifteen minutes into the conversation he volunteered himself to preach the “gospel of Jesus our lord and savior” to the bedside of a family member with cancer. At the twenty minute mark, I got up to find another spot free of audio stimulation and space taking.

The Texan said a handful of things that I could have taken offense to, but I chose to engage my empathy skills instead of engaging with him. I was provided with a unique opportunity to observe and learn from a stranger who was broadcasting his identity on high volume. This allowed me to better understand this stranger’s values and beliefs while exercising my tolerance to take in information that I did not agree with. This skill translates into professional organizations when we engage with co-workers or leaders whom we do not agree with, but need to work with despite our personal disagreements.

Empathy in Action

As a Spanish speaker I could have judged his thick Texas American English accent on the word “taco,” but empathy told me that this man did not speak Spanish. After listening to him, I now understood that despite him living in a state where “28.5% Speak Spanish at home” and three Texas counties have 34% or more Spanish speakers, his world was very limited due to his English language barrier. As a result non-English languages may pose a threat due to their unfamiliarity and if I engaged with him I would choose to approach him from an education and collaborative perspective to expand his horizons.
As a Chinese American, I could have been triggered by childhood memories of being bullied for the stereotype that all Chinese people eat dogs. For the record, some Chinese people eat dog meat, but not all, ergo the stereotype is false. This stereotype is unfounded nationwide. For example Californian Asian American restaurant owner David Rasavong experienced regular vandalism and discrimination and explained to news reporters that the anti-Chinese sentiment is a “longstanding slur against Asian cuisines.. in the U.S. for over 150 years.” 
Empathy told me that the Texan associated both flavorful and economically priced food to be either Mexican or Chinese. With this empathetic insight,  I better understood that his mentioning of these two foods indicated that he is a money conscious spender who recognizes the affordability and diverse flavors of other non-American cuisine, even when the initial word choice was rough.
As a non-Christian and Queer woman I could have been offended by the Texan’s imposition of Christian values that prioritize men over women and uplifts heterosexuality over all other sexual orientations to save a dying person’s soul. Empathy told me that this man deeply cared for the person struggling and this was his best way of showing his love. I understood the deep concern for a family member in need and the comfort religion can provide when we lack control in times of hardship as my own partner was recently diagnosed with stage four cancer.

Why DEI demands empathy

DEI leadership is about collaborative problem solving. In order to make well informed decisions for the legacy of organizations, leaders must access the most relevant data. To gain the relevant data, a mix of insights should be collected from individual contributors, managers, and leads to ensure all perspectives are considered in relation to the impact of leadership decisions. 
If leaders dismiss, minimize, or erase the input from team members due to their inability to empathetically engage with organization members, both the leader and the organization as a whole will suffer. The leader suffers by effectively stunting their individual professional growth as a leader who limits the scope of their work to a select few and familiar leadership experiences. They will soon realize their tried and true tools are outdated and irrelevant as they fail to adapt to the growing needs of their increasingly diverse teams.
The organization suffers due to a bad decision made with small amounts of skewed information. This practice effectively excludes and/or further burdens already struggling teams and limited resources. We have all heard the demand from organizational leaders to “Do more with less.” In the long run the organization is crippled due to burn out, high turnover, poor morale, and low productivity. 

How empathy benefits leaders

+ Leaders gain more knowledge, tools, and new perspectives to make well informed decisions and reduce the amount of risk associated with poor decision making
+ Leaders builds trust with teams by exemplifying best practices of empathy to increase organizational morale and desirable work cultures
+ Leaders improve organizational productivity by supporting collaborative efforts of shared buy in via project ownership, actionable accountability, and pride in work produced

Takeaways 

1. Differentiate between acceptance and understanding. 
   1. Does the leader understand the perspective of another person and refuses to accept input different from their own?
   2. Or is the leader truly failing to understand the perspective of the other person and requires additional support to educate themselves to be a more empathetic leader?
2. In DEI, empathy requires understanding and acceptance is optional.
   1. When we refuse to accept something, what does that say about our identity, beliefs, and values?
   2. What can we do to gain a different perspective that forges allyship rather than bridge burning?
   3. How regularly are exercising your tolerance and empathy leadership muscles daily, weekly, or monthly?

Special shout out to Shay Marlowe for a stimulating DEI peer conversation last month which inspired this infographic and article. 
Thank you for your support Shay. You are going to do great things in your transitioning job!

References
Adams, Christopher (2023). Census Bureau estimates 1 in 3 Texans speak a language other than English at home. KXAN. https://www.kxan.com/news/texas/census-bureau-estimates-1-in-3-texans-speak-a-language-other-than-english-at-home/#:~:text=The%20new%20five%2Dyear%20ACS,speak%20another%20language%20at%20home.  
Ura, Alexa. Mccullough, Jolie (2015). As Texas Grows, More Languages Are Spoken At Home. The Texas Tribune. https://www.texastribune.org/2015/11/26/languages-spoken-texas-homes/ 
(2024)Asian Restaurant in US Battles Racist Stereotype of Dog-Eating. Associated Press. https://www.voanews.com/a/asian-restaurant-in-us-battles-racist-stereotype-of-dog-eating-/7427589.html